Stand-up

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. Bobcat Goldthwait

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Mike Binder

Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? Lily Tomlin

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.
Mitch Hedberg

Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar. Drew Carey

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I’ve had a wonderful evening - but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.
Ellen DeGeneres

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen DeGeneres

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, Emo, do people really come up to you?
Emo Philips

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright



IS THERE ANY STAND UP DVD'S YOU WOULD RECOMMEND?

I love "The Tree Amigos", "Eddie Murphy, Raw" "Pablo Fransisco, Bits And Peices"
and "Eddie Izzard"